One year ago today…. I miss you Mommy!

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It has been one year since I lost my mom, to the minute. 12:30 a.m. I was sitting with her holding her hand and my life changed for ever.

In the past year I have felt trapped, alone, and helpless more times than I ever thought I would in my entire lifetime. I am drowning in grief, unable to see a light out. So, I fake it. I’ve plastered a smile to my face, I always have the loudest laugh, and I mention her — but never obsessively. It’s weird because that’s all that I’m ever thinking about, her, her, her….

I miss you mommy! I’ve had some really hard times without you that I’ve cried out loud that I just wished you were here. I have those times in private, but sometimes in public. I’m so blessed to have had the time I had with you, but I’ll always believe you were taken from me way too soon. My best friend, my rock, my right hand, my person, my everything, just gone. They say time heals all wounds but not this one. This is an open wound that when prodded, just bleeds out for a long time. I’ve had a great support system to help me cope with your absence but it doesn’t matter. You’re still gone and I’m still sad about it.

On February 17th, 2017 life lost most of it’s magic… The sun still shines but just not as bright as it once did…

With that said, I know you would want me to get my act together and stop moping and start living. So February 18th, 2018……. that is what I am going to work the hardest at!

I am going to let losing you give me purpose. I will continue to live every day for you.  I will be the best version of me. With every choice, every decision, every step I take for the rest of my life, I will honor you. I will do my best every second of every day to make you the proudest mom in heaven.

Life without you is hard, and it probably always will be, but I will live this life for you momma, always. 

 

I love and miss you!

 

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Perfectly You….

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Perfect is a trap. What does it even look like? The picture of a happy family on the cover of a magazine, a flawless woman, a dream home. I call bullshit on the whole thing. We are perfectly perfect in our imperfect perfection. You are exactly how and who you were meant to be. Don’t let the word or idea scare you.

Be perfectly you.

There is no perfect life, but there are perfect moments.

There is perfection to the parts of your life you seem imperfect. Without problems, there would be no solutions. Without a need for more, there would be no inventions. Without wanting, yearning, desiring more, there would be no learning, searching, discovering. Without an openness to create more in our lives, we would never have love partners, make babies, or do anything new. We would be stuck in how perfect it already is. Living in the moment, you can feel the perfection in each moment because it exists, and then we are in another moment. Be present with the perfect in the moment, rather than having to have all the details look perfect or fit a standard.

This is where laughing at how imperfect and lousy a moment is, when someone literally spills milk instead of crying over it, is the perfect moment. It creates giggle fests. The funniest stories are not the “perfect” ones, but rather the messy, silly, I-can’t-that-happened moments. There is joy is not looking for or needing perfect, but finding each moment to be perfect. Take a deep breath. It’s all perfect.

Have a great day all, go out and be perfectly you!

Tam:)