It has been one year since I lost my mom, to the minute. 12:30 a.m. I was sitting with her holding her hand and my life changed for ever.
In the past year I have felt trapped, alone, and helpless more times than I ever thought I would in my entire lifetime. I am drowning in grief, unable to see a light out. So, I fake it. I’ve plastered a smile to my face, I always have the loudest laugh, and I mention her — but never obsessively. It’s weird because that’s all that I’m ever thinking about, her, her, her….
I miss you mommy! I’ve had some really hard times without you that I’ve cried out loud that I just wished you were here. I have those times in private, but sometimes in public. I’m so blessed to have had the time I had with you, but I’ll always believe you were taken from me way too soon. My best friend, my rock, my right hand, my person, my everything, just gone. They say time heals all wounds but not this one. This is an open wound that when prodded, just bleeds out for a long time. I’ve had a great support system to help me cope with your absence but it doesn’t matter. You’re still gone and I’m still sad about it.
On February 17th, 2017 life lost most of it’s magic… The sun still shines but just not as bright as it once did…
With that said, I know you would want me to get my act together and stop moping and start living. So February 18th, 2018……. that is what I am going to work the hardest at!
I am going to let losing you give me purpose. I will continue to live every day for you. I will be the best version of me. With every choice, every decision, every step I take for the rest of my life, I will honor you. I will do my best every second of every day to make you the proudest mom in heaven.
Life without you is hard, and it probably always will be, but I will live this life for you momma, always.
I love and miss you!